You're Not That Interesting

I get aggravated easily.  I mean EASILY.  Yellow lights.  Seven questions at a gas pump.  My cable company.  Everyone is against me.

However, there is one phenomenon that is overtaking my hatred of everything else.  It ties directly into my job, which is both good and bad.  Good, because my job is pretty boss.  Bad because I'm about to jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge enbankment if this happens again.

I'm speaking to you, ambiguous Facebook poster (almost like a "Real Men of Genius" ad from Bud Light).

You know who they are.  Worse, you may know who YOU are.  The ones who post cryptic, dooming, damning posts on Facebook for the hope and desire that their 371 friends that they have hardly seen since high school will rush to their side with cyber support.

For instance:

"WHY ME?!?!?!?!"

(Note: if you use all caps and/or the question mark/exclamation point combo, you're a tool.  Your cry for help is about to go unheeded.)

Or something like this:

"One step forward, 10 steps back - just another day in my life."

Think of it this way - you're four feet away from a Wile E. Coyote type cliff.  You take one step forward, then 10 steps back.  You just saved your life.  Congratulations.  Now please excuse me while I unfriend you.  Tool.

My personal favorite are the ones who pine for love on their statuses.  They are also the ones who change their profile to "in a relationship" with the poor munch who they just met at Olive Garden.  Hell, they may not be out of the parking lot, and she's announcing to everyone they are engaged to be engaged.  Let me tell you something, sweetie - he's going to parade you to a very select group of friends to determine if you're:

A.) Hot enough
B.) Not crazy

We can live with you not being "A".  If you're "B" - well, sorry.  You have a long future of Hagen-Daas and petting your 16 kitties on Friday nights ahead of you.

So - here's the thing.  Try to not be psycho for a second before you post something next time.  Think about anyone who would TRULY care about your URL cry for help.  Does it make you look desperate?  Easy?  Trashy?  All of the above?  By all means, go ahead.  Include some profile pics of you making the dumb ass "duck face" while you're at it.  Just know - we're all laughing at you.