Earlier, I wrote about my lack of Christmas spirit this year. There are several contributing factors, but yesterday I think I figured out what was driving this cheerless horse wagon.
My oldest niece is 11 years old. She's tall, athletic, beautiful, smart - the kind of girl that every father wants, and every father worries about. She's in fifth grade right now, so boys are not quite in the picture...but they're starting to invade the perimeter.
We had our family Christmas this past weekend (we had to have it a week early due to the distance between the families), and after a joyous occasion, everyone was packing up to leave. I was giving out hugs to my nephews, leaving only my niece. I asked her for my hug and she said "No! I don't want to be picked up!"
I persisted, and she went into full freak out mode - shouting "NO! NO!" over and over. It was extremely uncomfortable. I asked why I couldn't give her a hug (and please save your "creepy uncle" jokes - that's not appropriate). She said that she was too big for hugs now, and resumed watching TV.
Too big for hugs? Really? This was the same girl that I used to be able to hold with one hand when she was an infant. She was approximately the size of a burrito from Chipotle. I have changed her diapers (ok, ONE diaper), held her hand, watched her lose teeth, score goals, climb trees, learn to read - and now she's too big for a hug from her favorite uncle.
What really got me going, though, was the similarities between my niece and my 3-year old daughter. They were both tiny when they were born (if my niece was a burrito, then my daughter was a pizza roll). They look strikingly the same at the same ages. My niece learned her ABC's and how to count at the age of 3. My daughter counted to 50 when she was 2.5 years old.
Right now, I'm the king of my daughter's world. When in doubt, go to dad. He fixes everything. He knows everything. I make her laugh. I make her feel safe. She even told me that she's marrying me someday (legal and creepy ramifications aside - I wouldn't mind that in the slightest. Anything to keep her around some more.)
During the opening of presents, my little girl got what she was waiting for - a new baby doll that cries, sleeps, eats from a bottle, etc. I don't have enough words in my vocabulary to describe the look on her face and the sound she made when she opened it - joy + rapture + happiness, combined with a little ecstasy on top. She immediately began taking care of "Mia", and demonstrating some pretty capable child care skills.
I recall about 8 years ago, another little girl getting a doll that she wanted - and seeing a very similar reaction. That little girl is now the niece who won't hug her uncle. Is that's what is going to happen to my daughter? She's going to discover boys, makeup, how lame her parents are, and make friends - and suddenly, I'm on the back burner.
My kids are growing up - that's what is making me sad this holiday season. How many more joyful Christmases do I have left with my kids? How long until she wants to spend Christmas with her new boyfriend who lives six hours away, rather than come home to see her dumpy old dad? How long until she (God help me) has her OWN kids, and can't make it home for the holidays? I want this time to continue forever - and it won't.
A bit of a silver lining - after a few moments yesterday, my niece finally relented and gave her uncle a HUGE bearhug. That made me realize that no matter how old she is, she'll love me. Hopefully my little girl feels the same way.
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